I realized the other day that in all the hustle I had forgotten to finish my chronicle of my mini-meditation challenge. I did finish, not quite as strongly as I’d wanted, but I did it. The mornings and afternoons of meditation passed pretty uneventfully really-I struggled to let go of what Bernie calls “The Meditator”–the one who has all these expectations about what meditation is or is not. I struggled to not fidget, to not care if someone was looking at me while I sat outside, cross-legged in the grass…all good practice. I need to continue finding time for myself to sit and be still.
The good news is that I’m nearing the end of the total crazy period in my life (extended work hours, lots of Fringe Festival prep, side projects out the wazoo) but I don’t quite feel that sense of relief.
I’m accustomed and entirely comfortable being reallycrazybusyallthetime. I am not, however, so comfortable with being still. And that is what the next phase of my life is going to require. I’ll still have a lot of responsibilities and obligations and things that I have to or want to do but it’s going to require me to pull from a different place internally and mentally to accomplish what I need to do.
That, is pretty scary to me. I talk a lot about my philosophy on change and how you can’t let yourself stagnate and you should always be curious and learning and all of those things, but when it comes down to it, I can be pretty “traditional” sometimes. I like certain securities and I wish that I didn’t. I am not proud of my stuffy side, as I call it, the one that gets in the way when I have an opportunity to do something really cool or big or potentially really, really good for me, but it requires me walking away from the Familiar, the Comfortable and the Stable. I know that the only constant in life is change…but intellectually understanding that and actually being ok with it are two different things.
So. I stand at this impass. I know that I need to take a leap and get some movement, some prana, back in my life. But, what happens if it’s the wrong decision? I’m pretty resilient and I have a good network of people around me but, depending on the moment, that either does or does not feel like enough.
Bridges to new places are really exciting–let’s just hope this one is made of something solid enough to support me for as long as the journey takes.